Tim Callington lives in Cambridge UK and works in London for Edelman Public Relations. The views posted here are his and his alone. He can be contacted at tim dot callington at bt internet dot com
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I don’t watch a great deal of TV, but I must admit I’m a sucker for a costume drama. I think it’s the eternal English student in me. So on Sunday night I was relaxing on the sofa, hopping through the channels before Jane Austin’s Emma started, when I came across ITV’s second helping of The X-Factor for the weekend.
The Beeb caused a bit of a stir recently when they decided to pitch Strictly Come Dancing against the almighty X-Factor on Saturday night, so what are they throwing in to the ring against the Sunday night edition I wondered? Maybe a hard-hitting crime drama? A bit of edgy investigative reporting? Possibly an extra edition of The Wall? (easily the best show on the box at the moment) Nope, they went for The Antiques Roadshow.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against The Antiques Roadshow, but it’s not exactly up there in the high-tension stakes with the X-factor. I mean, you don’t see the bloke who does fine china running off-set in tears because he can’t cope with the emotional intensity of telling Mavis from Dagenham that the Royal Doulton tea-set she flogged a kidney to buy in 1964 is actually a dodgy Chinese knock off, do you?
So, to help out I’ve been thinking about some ways that Auntie could spice up “The Roadshow” (see? sounds sexier already) so that it’s fit to take on Cowell and his airbrushed cohorts.
1. Sudden death knockout: Some of those experts have got a bit too cosy in their regular Sunday night gig. So to shake things up a bit each episode ends with a phone in where the public gets to vote one of ‘em off. The twist being that as the closing credits role we get to see said expert be the unfortunate victim as an antique torture device is put through its paces.
2. Sob story: Every punter needs a sob story. Just turning up with your figurine of the Churchill dog only to find out that it’s limited edition handcrafted by Damien Hurst and worth ½ a million just doesn’t cut it. We want drama, we want tears…”I’m hear for my pet gerbil Fiona, Gerry loved scrabbling around on this old Persian rug…before the Dyson got him.”
3. Everyone knows the best part about X-Factor is the early rounds. You know, the bit where Simon Cowell mercilessly exploits the really self-delusional people who passionately believe they’re the next Michael Jackson, God rest his soul, but have less chance of holding a half decent note than I have... and believe me, that’s bad. Let’s do the same for Antiques Roadshow and wheel out a few of the crap antiques as well… “this painting of the dogs playing snooker, Fiona… I’m telling you, it’s got Constable written all over it.”
That’s three suggestions from me. Can anyone thing of any others? In messing about with the design on this blog I seem to have lost the function to enable comments. So while I work out how to fix it, mail or tweet me with any ideas and I’ll post them here…with full credit of course.
...and here's a good 'un from Lucy: ""maybe introduce a little Total Wipeout magic into the mix so Agnes from Tunbridge Wells is forced to jump onto those huge red balls clutching her retirement carriage clock before earning the right to find out it's not actually worth Richard Hammond's fee per episode"
